202016 - This relationship comes with questions I do not have answers to
Loving someone when their child does not want you there
Letter ID: LON-202016
Dear London,
I have met someone I really care about. Someone I can see myself building a life with. Not in a fairytale way, just in a normal, everyday way. The kind where you think about living together, doing food shops, planning holidays, that type of thing!
But he has a thirteen year old daughter, and I am struggling more than I ever thought I would.
I am not her mum and I do not try to be. Her mum is still very much around, and I know she is still hurting about her parents not being together. I get that. I really do. At her age everything feels big and unfair.
I have tried to build some sort of relationship with her. I have tried to be kind without forcing it. To show interest without pushing myself on her. But it is hard when someone clearly does not want you there.
She barely speaks to me. One word answers. No eye contact. No effort. Sometimes it feels like she looks straight through me. Like I am not even a person, just a reminder of something she did not ask for.
What makes it worse is how alone it makes me feel with her dad.
I have spoken to him about it. More than once. I try not to make it a big thing, but it hurts and I think he knows that. Still, he plays it down. Says it is just a phase. Says she will grow out of it. Tells me not to take it personally.
But how do you not take something personally when it is happening right in front of you.
I don’t think he doesn’t see it. I think it is easier for him to act like it is not happening than to really deal with it. Because dealing with it means admitting this is hard. That love does not fix everything. That his daughter is hurting and I am stuck in the middle of that.
Lately I keep thinking about the future and it scares me.
I worry that as she gets older, and as me and her dad get closer, things will not improve. I worry they will get worse. That the gap between us will turn into something permanent. Something we never talk about but always feel.
I ask myself questions I never thought I would have to ask.
Can we really be a family if she does not want me in her life.
Can I build a future with someone if I always feel like an outsider in his past.
Can I stay in a situation where I am trying so hard to be understanding, but quietly disappearing in the process.
I do not want to replace her mum. I do not want to compete. I just want things to be easier than this.
Right now, I love him. But I do not know where that leaves me.
Yours,
A woman trying to work it out
Occasionally we shape real stories into letters, so every voice is heard.
Source: Shaped from a real conversation
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